"Is Sustainable Agriculture Achievable?（持続可能な農業は達成されうるか）"というトピックに対するエッセイの2つ目の添削が送られてきたので、「私が書いた英作文」「１人目の方が添削してくれた英作文」「２人目の方が添削してくれた英作文」、３つの英作文を比べたいと思います。
前提として1人目の方（ネイティヴ）はおそらくAIで校正しエラーが出ている部分を中心的に訂正してくれており、2人目の方（非ネイティヴの外国人）は英文をごっそり書き換えてくれているものもあります。
私も日々英作文を添削しているのでわかるのですが、英文をごっそり書き換えられることを嫌がる生徒もいればごっそり書き換えられることを望んでいる生徒もいます。したがって違和感がある英文でも極端なミスでなければあえて修正を入れない場合もあります。どちらが正解で不正解ということもないと思いますので、違った形で修正された英作文を比べることで学べることも非常に多かったと感じています。
イントロ
Kyo
Agriculture is an essential part of civilization. It is estimated that about 40 percent of our planet is farmland and it is expanding to feed growing populations at the expense of forests, wildlife and water. It is true that the global agricultural system would collapse if nothing is to be done, however, human beings have realized the situation they are in and worked hard to make agriculture more sustainable.
校正①
Agriculture is an essential part of civilization. It is estimated that about 40 percent of our planet is farmland, and it is expanding to feed growing populations at the expense of forests, wildlife, and water. The global agricultural system would indeed collapse if nothing was done; however, human beings have realized the situation they are in and worked hard to make agriculture more sustainable.
校正②
Agriculture is an essential part of civilization. It is estimated that approximately 40% of the planet is dedicated to farmland, which continues to expand to meet the needs of a growing population. Unfortunately, this expansion often comes at the cost of forests, wildlife, and water resources. The global agricultural system would collapse if nothing is to be done, however, human beings have realized the situation they are in and worked hard to make agriculture more sustainable.
コメント
2人目の校正してくれた方の"dedicated"の使い方が良いですね。また、前回の記事でも触れましたが赤字の"is"を直説法の"is"で書くか仮定法の"was"で書くか、3名とAIで意見が割れています。ここの部分で減点されることはないかもしれません。
ボディ①
Kyo
Growing and transporting crops create lots of carbon emissions in the process. Therefore, reducing food miles, the distance between where crops are produced and where they are sold, is significantly important. Vertical farming can be a solution. Vertical farming is a way crops are grown inside a building in the city or in the suburbs of the city. In addition to reducing food miles, there are some other benefits such as a stable food supply all year round and using less water or no pesticides, all of which are critical factors for sustainable farming.
校正①
Growing and transporting crops creates lots of carbon emissions in the process. Therefore, reducing food miles—the distance between where crops are produced and where they are sold—is significantly important. Vertical farming can be a solution. Vertical farming is a method of growing crops inside a building in the city or suburbs. Aside from reducing food miles, there are some other advantages, such as having a consistent food supply all year and using less water or no pesticides, all of which are important factors in sustainable farming.
校正②
The growing and transporting of crops generate a substantial amount of carbon emissions. Thus, reducing the distance between where crops are grown and where they are sold, known as food miles, is of great importance. Vertical farming can be a solution. Vertical farming is a way crops are grown inside a building in the city or the suburbs of the city. This not only reduces food miles but also provides benefits such as year-round food stability, lower water usage, and reduced need for pesticides - all of which are critical factors for sustainable farming.
コメント
この赤字部分も3人称単数のsをつけるかつけないかで意見が割れています。2人目の方は"generate"という単語に変えてくれていますがここは"create"でも"generate"でもどちらでも大丈夫でしょう。2人目の方の"the growing and ～"の"the"は不要ではないかと思いますが、sをつけるかつけないか非常に難しいのだろうと思います。2人目の方の"of great importance"という表現が良いですね。自分で英作文を書いていると"significantly important”という表現を何回も使ってしまうので、次にエッセイを書く際は"of great importance"を使ってみたいと思います。
ボディ②
Kyo
Adoption of technology is also key to sustainable farming. For example, field robots can apply fertilizers in targeted doses. In addition, sensors in the soil can gather data on nutrients and water levels. This information reduces unnecessary water use. All these technologies would help farmers to produce food in a way that works with the environment.
校正①
The adoption of technology is also key to sustainable farming. For example, field robots can apply fertilizers in targeted doses. In addition, sensors in the soil can gather data on nutrients and water levels. This information reduces unnecessary water use. All these technologies would help farmers produce food in a way that works for the environment.
校正②
The adoption of technology is also key to sustainable farming. For example, field robots can apply fertilizers in targeted doses and soil sensors can gather data on nutrients and water levels to optimize resource usage. All of these technologies would assist farmers in producing food in an environmentally friendly manner.
コメント
"The adoption of technology"の"the"は両名とも訂正を入れてくれていますので、"the"を含んだ表現が今回は適切なのだろうと思います。2人目の"optimize（最適化する）"という単語が良いですね。英検1級レベルの単語でアカデミック要素の強い単語ですので、使える機会があれば使ってみようと思います。
ボディ③
Kyo
Soil has an inherent ability to capture and store carbon from the atmosphere. This natural process plays a vital role in forming healthy ecosystems and this can be applied to a farming practice. This method of farming is called regenerative farming and the method is spreading all over the world due to its potential not only to improve food quality but also to reverse climate change.
校正①
Soil has an inherent ability to capture and store carbon from the atmosphere. This natural process plays a vital role in forming healthy ecosystems, and this can be applied to farming practices. This method of farming is called "regenerative farming," and the method is spreading all over the world due to its potential not only to improve food quality but also to reverse climate change.
校正②
Soil has an inherent ability to capture and store carbon from the atmosphere. This natural process plays a vital role in forming healthy ecosystems and can be applied to farming practices. This method of farming is called regenerative farming and is becoming increasingly popular worldwide due to its potential not only to improve food quality but also to reverse climate change.
コメント
ボディ③に関しては、修正がほぼ入っていませんでした。2人目の青字部分くらいです。「世界中でますます人気が出てきている」というのを5wordsでうまくまとめてくれていました。
コンクルージョン
Kyo
As mentioned above, technology has changed farming and farming today, in fact, succeeds in reducing food costs, labor costs and environmental costs.
校正①
As mentioned above, technology has changed farming, and farming today succeeds in reducing food costs, labor costs, and environmental costs.
校正②
As mentioned above, technology has revolutionized the farming industry and is helping to reduce food costs, labor costs, and environmental costs.
コメント
"revolutionalize"が際立っています。このような単語が1つ入るだけで、英文が全く違って見えますね。